revamp.

so i'm kind of pissed right now. about petty things. but who doesn't get angry about things that don't matter once in a while?

in general, i hate hypocritcalness. this is why i hate myself sometimes. this is why i didn't get along with my dad as a child. this is why i am peeved at someone in my living quarters.

... i was about to vent, but i just can't do it. i am destined to keep it bottled up, i guess. problems will remain unsolved.

but for now i can find solace with ingrid michaelson and exploding dog.

listening to: the chain.
looking at: http://explodingdog.com/title/areyoustilllistening.html, http://explodingdog.com/title/todayitstartsalloveragain.html

BTW this is a terrible day to start a blog about things that annoy me. we just started our curriculum on charitable narratives in my 114 class and watched an amazing movie called The Son about a Christ-like character. go watch it. it could change your life. obviously, my attitude still needs some adjustment, but i highly recommend it. the camera movement is hard to digest at first, but you'll get used to it.

EDITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

i just had a brilliant idea to make this not such a horrible blog about complaining! for everything i say bad stuff about i have to say two good things about something else or list whatever i'm grateful for that day!

so the positive side of life...

1. i am going to get paid for wednesday when i was supposed to work because the close of campus was unexpected. this is seriously the first time i have seen physical blessings of tithing--something i've been waiting and wanting to experience for a long time. and i plan on making good on Heavenly Father's investment in me. i will serve a mission and most money i make goes to tuition or savings for next june (when i plan on leaving).

2. i am thankful for Christmas decorations. we just put up a lit tree in my apartment tonight and it sure is cheery.

3. (once i start i just can't stop...) i'm grateful for film friends and making movies with people i actually like. tonight i was filming for my 114 final. i'm DPing, which is awesome in and of itself. coco is our sound girl/producer. colten is directing. carson, who wrote the screenplay, is doing everything else, pretty much. and aaron o. is the talent. these people are fun so thanks to you guys and girl.

<3 samantha cocaine.

film, family, blogging, and exploding dog.

http://explodingdog.com/title/todaywerideatdawn.html

while i was updating my movie review posts, i thought i'd give an update on my life. i usually only post when i'm feeling really emo. that was yesterday. today i am happy. and i feel like i need a record of the happy moments. i am going to try to continue with my exploding dog theme thing. originally i was going to look for one about family. right now my film friends are my family, and they're what made today better (although, it's also kind of what made my day worse yesterday, but... that's what you get with family--ups and downs).

anyway... i came across this one, and realized it was perfect. we wake up so early to get art ready for the day. i will be waking up in a couple hours. but i'm a night person and i always want to have fun, and party essentially. ke$ha's "your love is my drug" has been playing in my head and i just want to dance, and laugh, and play, etc. we did play scattergories tonight. (i'm staying in alpine--and i just killed a HUGE spider with my flip flop--where one of the locations is that we're prepping). whitney and djb are asleep. su, ked, and hillary have returned home, mostly to talk and be with their loved ones. the three of us don't really have loved ones, i.e. significant others, but we have each other and that'll do. i'll definitely be sad when this shoot is over, as i always am. back to sitting on the couch being a loser with nobody. for the first couple weeks, people try to see each other. like with for robbing the dead. but everyone just gives up. it's like i said to my friend raven before she left for a boston internship--we love too hard. i feel like i always invest more in friendships than others do. and at some point i can't keep doing all the maintaining.

... don't want to get off on a depressing rant again. life's good right now. the past couple days have been stressful, but we have our evenings to recuperate, and hunt deer. haha...

an idea? maybe.

http://explodingdog.com/title/leagalizeitrightnowwewannab.html

so here's my exploding dog of the day. this one is for 4/20. i miss the fact that i used to check exploding dog everyday for new pictures. i miss blogging on xanga where nobody could read it, but i felt more important than i do on here and i could actually type out my thoughts and feelings. i miss knowing where i want to go. i miss home. i miss how things used to be with all of us. i miss you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you. why do we ever lose touch with the people we love?

and i miss the fact that i used to be a good student... oh wait. i never was. another final yet to be turned in, but due a couple hours ago. typical.

(note: every "and you" is another person i though of during the course of writing this blog.)

p.s. why am i so nostalgic? i claim to be content with life. i guess i'm still not content with change, though. utah has been good to me. i've learned a lot. but i miss my maryland lessons.

rawr... i don't know what to call this.

i was looking at various blogs of people i know (and people i don't know) and i decided to start again. i always convince myself after i start that blogging isn't worth my time, but i never remember to write in my actual journal, and while i'm thinking about it, i might as well update the world on my life...

so i turned in my film major application today! this would be exciting except i rushed it, and i don't feel very good about it. seriously, though, if i don't get in, i don't know what i'm going to do with my life. probably drop out of school, work, go on my mission, and figure it out when i get back. but that shouldn't be my attitude.

speaking of attitude, i feel like that's what i struggle with the most, religiously. i don't always think i'm doing stuff for the right reasons, but i want to be.

mission prep class was enlightening as always, but it still remains that the beginning of class is my favorite part. there is something so powerful about hearing people state their mission assignments for the church of Jesus Christ of latter-day saints. plus, i have to live vicariously through other people for now since i can't go myself until next year. gah... i went with the sisters on sunday actually. one of them is older and she says she's glad she had to wait, and waited even longer because she wasn't ready at 21. i don't think i'll wait till i'm much older than 21 and 6 months, but i do think i need more time to prepare.

anyway, back to film... this morning was awful. i was ridiculously stressed. i hadn't felt that nervous since eighth grade when i was taking an algebra test and i didn't know what to do. with the help of my amazing friend brynn, i got it done around 11:45 a.m. (it was due at noon.) why do i never learn my lesson in procrastination? i really wish i would. the funny thing is, i wasn't relieved after turning it in. i still have so much to do. for the rest of the day everything i learned kind of went in one ear and out the other. i forgot that it was monday, and started heading to my tuesday class, making it to my job's staff meeting late.

so here i am wasting more time when i have a resolution to write for my honors american heritage student congress. plus, i should be spending a lot more free time studying for italian--who knew learning a language was so hard? haha...

my brother moved out to utah. it's nice to have someone here to as a support system. he's helped me out a lot since he's been here.

speaking of needing help, i really don't know how i'm supposed to do it all (work, school, film, sleep, and eat). i can't do it all. so what am i going to do? i don't know. drown, probably. i'm so bad at saying no. and even without the stuff that is optional to participate in, i still can't find the time to do it all, and do it all well. argh!! but i'll start by bidding the world wide web goodnight.

insomniac... except not really.

it is 3:45 a.m. and i can't sleep, but i sleep fine when it's time to do my homework. i got issues with my study habits and sleep schedule. argh. i just want to go to church right now.. only a couple hours to go and i'll feel like i can get through another week. except not really. i don't feel the spirit as much in my current ward. i need to do more productive and joyful things over the weekend so i don't feel so down at the start of a new week. blahhhh...

samantha cocaine.

"the night is here and the day is gone, and the world spins madly on..." - the weepies

sundays are my favorite days.

so once again i felt as if i was spiritually dying, but after going to church today, i feel like i can get through another week.

i feel like a freshman all over again.

i don't know where i'm living this coming year, but more importantly, i don't know what i want to major in anymore.

i've been committed to film for the past six months. i took the first prerequisite and i'm signed up for the second. i love watching movies and analyzing them. i've enjoyed the sets i've worked on. but i've never felt completely right about it, and now more than ever i'm doubting my decision. i don't know what i'd do within film. i feel too inadequate to get into the program. and i want to study something that could at least vaguely apply to bettering me as a mother. yes, i'm kind of a feminist and i don't plan on being a stay-at-home mom (but honestly--i think it's the most important job everrrr), but i think that film might take away from my motherhoodness. i do feel that i learn a lot from film, but i'm not sure how to share that knowledge with others. also, i've been thinking i want to do something with travel where i can live in other countries for periods of time, but i don't know what jobs i could find that i like to do and would include this. ugh. i'm once again considering: political science, geography, and psychology. i also want to look into education (even though, i really don't see myself as a teacher), anthropology, international relations, and philosophy.

now i'm not completely giving film up. i will at least minor in it, and i'm still applying to the major. we'll see how things go...

on a semi-different note. i went to a concert saturday. it was fabulous. i <3 kill paradise and music in general. i wish i was talented in some musical aspect because i would so major in music. it's really important to me, especially spiritually. which reminds me of my excellent institute lesson where we discussed the period of time right before Christ went to the garden of gethsemane when the him and the apostles sang. we considered hymns of our day that might've been sung at that time if they were around in His day. i chose "be still my soul" because of it's message of hope and spiritual memories i have with it. here are the words:

1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.