i feel like a freshman all over again.

i don't know where i'm living this coming year, but more importantly, i don't know what i want to major in anymore.

i've been committed to film for the past six months. i took the first prerequisite and i'm signed up for the second. i love watching movies and analyzing them. i've enjoyed the sets i've worked on. but i've never felt completely right about it, and now more than ever i'm doubting my decision. i don't know what i'd do within film. i feel too inadequate to get into the program. and i want to study something that could at least vaguely apply to bettering me as a mother. yes, i'm kind of a feminist and i don't plan on being a stay-at-home mom (but honestly--i think it's the most important job everrrr), but i think that film might take away from my motherhoodness. i do feel that i learn a lot from film, but i'm not sure how to share that knowledge with others. also, i've been thinking i want to do something with travel where i can live in other countries for periods of time, but i don't know what jobs i could find that i like to do and would include this. ugh. i'm once again considering: political science, geography, and psychology. i also want to look into education (even though, i really don't see myself as a teacher), anthropology, international relations, and philosophy.

now i'm not completely giving film up. i will at least minor in it, and i'm still applying to the major. we'll see how things go...

on a semi-different note. i went to a concert saturday. it was fabulous. i <3 kill paradise and music in general. i wish i was talented in some musical aspect because i would so major in music. it's really important to me, especially spiritually. which reminds me of my excellent institute lesson where we discussed the period of time right before Christ went to the garden of gethsemane when the him and the apostles sang. we considered hymns of our day that might've been sung at that time if they were around in His day. i chose "be still my soul" because of it's message of hope and spiritual memories i have with it. here are the words:

1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

can you feel the love tonight?

no.

why are family members so mean to each other? i've seen multiple interactions between parents and their children (including within my own family so i'm not saying my family is any better) within the past few days and we are just so mean to each other. we can't say stuff kindly. we disrespect our parents and they disrespect us. nothing is said with love. it all sounds hateful when it doesn't need to be. we get an attitude about everything. why? why does talking to our parents bring out the worst in us and them talking to us brings out the worst in them? why do i feel like there are more bad moments than good? at least in the families i see. we're so rude--us and our parents.

screw this.

i'm going back to xanga :)

edit...
or maybe i'll just post on both.

bad sister.

so i was supposed to wake up early and go running with my brother this morning. instead i stayed up till 4 a.m. facebooking and woke up this afternoon at 12:45 p.m. my brother didn't express that he was angry with me. he just didn't really talk to me. that made me feel worse. i apologized and he said "bye" as he was going out the door to work. i was doing well for a little while with my new goal. (d&c 88:124 - Cease to be idle; cease to be unclean; cease to find fault one with another; cease to sleep longer than is needful; retire to thy bed early, that ye may not be weary; arise early, that your bodies and your minds may be invigorated.) i've been focusing on the part about retiring early and arising early, but i think my bigger problem is being idle. i need to set some limits for myself with internet usage and stop wasting my summer. gah!

i guess i can start by getting off my blog :)

addicted to lady gaga.

so i'm just up late listening to lady gaga and facebook stalking and i decided to make a blog. in honor of two of my current favorite songs... a blog name and description were born. ta-da!

i don't know how privatized i can make this blog so for now, courtesy of my paranoia, this will be rather boring and vague.

btw. do you think it's possible to cook your innards with a hot laptop? because i always set my mac on top of roosevelt (my stomach) so i'm rather worried.

i should be asleep right now since i'm going tracking with the sister missionaries tomorrow, but my bed isn't screaming to me loud enough.